There are so many things about junior year so far that make it much better than the previous two (i.e. my wonderfully supportive groups like Off The Wall, Chamber Choir, and Fellowship Of Christian Athletes, my classes and teachers, my new friends), but I also feel like I have a lot to complain about. There hasn't been a single day this school year that I haven't gone home and just had a solid cry. But it's hard to project that on the internet. It's difficult to find a balance of "Hi there, this is who I am, but I'm only going to project the best of me," and "Hi this is who I am and I'm a mess, and I don't want to scare you away but I'm going through a heck ton on a day to day basis."
With that in mind, I've been thinking a LOT about my blog and its upkeep and the other social media pages I run like @MustangVocalMusic, @DelaneyMarieMiller, & more. I've been struggling with trying to find this correct balance of what it looks like to have a perfect feed and a high following and great analytics, but also what it looks like to be authentic. What it looks like to be more focused on what's in front of me, rather than my image or what's on a screen. What it looks like to be present over perfect.
I read a book last year, that recently I've been browsing through again because I feel like it's even more relatable in the season that I'm in and it's called "Present Over Perfect" by Shauna Niequist. It's such an incredibly poetic and beautifully fabricated book that it's hard to share just one quote that sums up either the book or how I'm feeling, but she states things very nicely here;
"[Present over perfect is] about rejecting the myth that every day is a new opportunity to prove our worth, and about the truth that our worth is inherent, given by God, not earned by our hustling."
-Shauna Niequist
I, more often than not, give into the everyday pressures of tasks to complete or nouns to manage or projects to spearhead. I want so badly to prove my worth to others and I often feel like through that I become so absorbed in earthly things. Not that those things are all bad, but I just get so caught up in trying to be enough for others, that I forget that I'm already enough. I forget that these things that surround me on earth; the cell phone, the laptop I'm writing this on, this blog itself, none of it is actually going to last. And as sad as that makes me feel, it's only temporary because I know that God has much greater things awaiting me in heaven.
So in an attempt to be more authentic, I'm going to come clean:
I am a broken person.
I'm always going to be a broken person.
And as hard as I may try to obtain and achieve perfection, I'm never going to reach that. And that's okay.
My friend Katie has this 1 John 4:11-12 stuck on a sticky note inside her car. If you can't read the sticky note, the verse says, "My dear, dear friends, if God loved us like this, We certainly ought to love each other. No one has seen God, ever. But if we love one another, God dwells deeply within us & his love becomes complete in us- perfect love."
There is something so beautiful about how that verse ends. "Perfect Love." (And I'm not referring to either the Hillsong or Planethshakers songs.) I'm talking about agape.
I can't remember if I've blogged about the concept of agape before, but let me start by saying that it's not pronounced /əˈɡāp/ like somebody's mouth or a door being wide open.
Agape is a Grecco-Christian term that is meant to refer to the highest form of love. It's this level beyond emotional affection, beyond sexual affection, and beyond what we as humans can even fathom. It's a selfless love that one can only feel towards God and only God can feel that towards them. It's the literal definition of perfect love. And to think that John states in the Bible that not only does God's love dwell in us, but it completes us is just insane because it's not like we can physically see God.
To those of you who have different beliefs, I can not scientifically prove to you that God is tangible. And my word is logically not enough proof for you to be able to understand what I'm talking about. But there is something indescribable about the love of the Heavenly Father that stretches far beyond what words can say.
One thing that I can tell you though, is that it doesn't matter who you are; it doesn't matter where you've come from, it doesn't matter where you were raised, it doesn't matter your social status, it doesn't matter your economic situation, it doesn't matter what political party you're apart of, it doesn't matter what sexuality you are, it doesn't matter what you stand for or stand against, God loves you. He doesn't love you any more or less than your neighbors, He doesn't only love you for something you're talented at, He doesn't love you for what you think you have to offer society, His love isn't conditional. He loves you because He made you and knit you together and has cared for you specifically (YES YOU!) since before time even began. And He loves you for who you are because He knows you for who you are. And that's spectacular.
That's what keeps me going on a daily basis. School, as great as my friends and family are, school sucks. And there's no way to sugar-coat that. I wish that my days were easier. I wish that my health was better. I wish that I didn't feel like I was going to pass out every day. I wish I didn't have to worry about students being disrespectful about my personal space or my personal beliefs or ideals. I wish that I could make sure that my family was safe every second of every day. I wish I didn't even feel like I have to worry about these things, but I do because I'm only human. Although, instead of clinging to the hope that one day might get a little bit better, I can cling to the truth that I'm loved no matter what I do. The truth that at the end of the day, even if my physical home can turn into a breeding ground for petty family feuds, I have a forever, for sure, and for real home in the clouds with Yahweh.
So as I wrap up this post, I'm going to pray.
thank you for bringing your son, your child, the literal definition of a perfect human who's wholly you, God, and wholly human down to earth to die for our sins. thank you for making your love accessible through that sacrifice. thank you for coming down to rescue us. thank you for setting us free in you, Lord. thank you for constantly drawing us closer and for showing us unfathomable masses of grace. thank you for reminding me everyday that you are god and i am not. thank you, YHWH. i'll only praise your name. AMEN.
Much Love,
Delaney Miller