Recently, I've had a lot on my plate. And I KNOW, I KNOW, you're probably reading this going, "YEAH DELANEY WE KNOW, WE GET IT, YOU'RE BUSY..." But here I am preparing for this next season and stuff's stressful! You know?
For a quick explanation- I'm making new friends and forming new relationships because I've lost a lot of people in my life due to new seasons and change. I'm beginning to plan my next year out and ish is already crazy. I'm trying to decide which extracurriculars I'm going to continue being apart of, and which ones would be healthiest for me to drop. Honestly- the list goes on.
And yeah, I know that God's already planned my life out and I have nothing to worry about. But that doesn't mean I don't want to plan everything! I've talked about it on my blog before that I love control. I love being in control and knowing everything that's going on.
The other day though, I was planning out my next year (per usual because when am I not trying to control everything,) and I was in a class listening to a new worship song and I had a moment.
Love. Has. Won.
But as that phrase settled with me, my first thought was:
Why am I living like love hasn't already won?
Why am I still fighting for that love, for that approval, for that title, for that something I feel like I'm missing?
Love HAS won.
Not love hasn't won yet, not love is still fighting to win, not love won but that's still not enough, etc.
No, love, God's love, has already won, and I don't have to have that position or that title or that job or those friends or that boyfriend to earn his love. I already have his love.
It's not worth that extra effort or extra anything because I shouldn't be stressing about that fight. It's finished.
It. Is. Finished.
The battle's already been fought, the war has already been won.
My next thought was:
How do I apply that to my life?
More often than not, I'm living with something to prove. Whether it's believing that I need a certain title under my belt to succeed or I need to be apart of everything to prove I can handle it all, or whatever, (Those were just two very broad examples that apply to almost everything in my life.) I'm constantly trying to fill this void of what I think I need to do or be in order to obtain some higher standard in my mind. It's stupid. Honestly. Like- why am I putting in all of this effort to something if it's not bringing me joy. Why am I working my tail off if it's only for another thing to place on my resume. It's frustrating. And complicated. And definitely really, super messy.
It occurred to me that I'm running myself to the ground. And as much as I'd like to think that I'm prioritizing, I'm not. I haven't been. I've not been posting as much as I'd like to be on my blog, I'm committing myself to activities that are not filling me up, I'm draining myself because my mental health has not been a priority of mine. I've reached a new place of either not caring, or caring more about myself. And I don't mean that selfishly. I mean, I guess it'll probably come off as selfish to some people, but I'm tired of not putting what I brings me joy first. Not necessarily what I think I need to do, or what I feel like I have to do, or anything else. I just want to do what brings me joy. I want to be where God is moving. I want that transition to happen, and it won't be easy, but I'm ready for him to move and for me to slowly learn to let go of control.
I heard something last week, where a friend of mine said,
"If the day that Jesus died on the cross can be looked back upon and considered good, then maybe even your worst days can be considered good."
For clarification folks, love has won. Ladies and 'gents, God's done it again. The maker of the heavens, the creator of your deep brown eyes, the crafter of the oceans, the sculptor of the mountains, the artist who paints the sky with sunsets and rainbows after long days. The King above all other kings, has fought for you and all of that turmoil and chaos you're facing is not something that you ever should feel like you're carrying on your own. I can proudly say that THIS is how I fight my battles. Even when I feel like everyone's against me. Even when I might feel like I'm surrounded by the enemy. I'm not. The only thing I fear is God and he's already on my side, so why would I be fearful? Why would I seek control?
It is finished, love has won.
Much Love,
Del