I'm in Texas this week!
There will be a blog post about the trip when it's all over, but for right now I'm just experiencing it.
I flew in on Sunday morning and was so jet lagged that as soon as we got to the house, I just slept the rest of the day.
Because I slept the rest of the day though, I barely got any sleep that night. So I was up for a very long time stalking folks on Instagram and questioning my existence like any other regular teenage girl.
Once it hit about four in the morning (Texas time), I had a moment. I was laying in my bed thinking about all of my friends who were leaving for camp on Monday, and thinking about all of the crazy things that God's gonna do through their week. And then I was thinking about the last time that God spoke to me.
Not gonna lie, I was hit with all the feels because I think that the last time God spoke to me directly was over 9 months ago and that's simply frustrating. It just kinda sucks. I mean, I know that I can't rush His timing, but that doesn't mean that it's not a bummer.
But while I sat pondering about all that, it hit me.
I'm not pursuing Him.
I get so annoyed hearing my friends' stories of what the Lord is doing in their lives when I haven't seen God do anything in mine. It's because I'm filling my life with other things and not seeking God out. I'm expecting Him to come to me.
I've been spending my time preparing for a show. I've been splitting my time between two churches. I've been living my life worrying about junior year and college and the future. And although these things all seem like important things to think about, I can't just expect God to pull me out of the chaos. I haven't been in pursuit of him. I've been sitting on the sidelines expecting to be rescued when I should have been pursuing Him desperately.
At this point in my night, I moved from the room I've been sharing with my cousins to the washroom next door. I brought my phone and a journal and a pen and surrounded myself with dirty laundry on the floor of the washroom. As I sat there listening to my worship playlists, I began sobbing silently in this little washroom. I just couldn't seem to keep myself composed.
I need to be seeking him feverishly. I am emotionally and spiritually hungry and I need to be looking for fulfillment in him. I don't know where or when or how He's going to show up, but I know that He will. I have to put my trust in Him and follow where He calls me with reckless abandonment.
So with tears splattered on my face, I cried out to Him.
"Lord, this is me crying out to you. Lead me to you. Lead me to you, God. I'm sitting in this washroom with my heart open & my hands raised. I want you more & more, Jesus. I am open. I. Am. Open. Amen."
Much Love,
Delaney Miller