I often find myself asking what's next. Where am I supposed to go, what am I supposed to do? That's where I am right now, but for this to all make sense, I'm gonna have to do some backtracking.
My freshman year, I applied to go on a missions trip with Mariners HSM to Haiti. I didn't know why I wanted to go. Maybe because all of my friends had gone before and said that it was awesome, and I wanted to be apart of that something awesome. Maybe because I got bored and I wanted something to do with my time so I filled out the application. Maybe just because I wanted more interview experience. I'm not really sure, but I applied my freshman year, going into my sophomore year to go on this trip.
Obviously, I didn't get accepted onto the team because my heart wasn't where it needed to be for me to be able to go on this trip, so I didn't go. When I looked at the team who did go, I was blown away by their love for one another and the people that they met in Haiti, despite the language barrier. I was so proud of the students who I knew and was friends with who got to go. I was so impressed by their bravery to follow what God was clearly calling them to do.
Instead of starting my summer in Haiti, I spent my summer serving as an intern with Mariners JHM which was the experience of a lifetime. By the end of the summer, I knew that the Lord had placed me right where he wanted me and it was so special because I actually knew where I fit for just a brief moment in time.
This year Christ has stretched me in ways that I didn't know were humanly possible for me. I have been put in a countless number of situations where God has equipped me to share his love and spread his light. It's been an absolutely amazing adventure so far. Lately though, I've felt that God is calling me to something new. I'm not too sure of what that is yet, but I think that God's pushing me somewhere out of my comfort zone once again. When I saw Haiti applications go up for this year, (my sophomore into junior year,) I started praying. Maybe that was the scary new thing that He had in store for me.
After a few weeks of praying and putting off the application process, I finally deemed it time to sign up. I spent a week and a half working on my application, and I prayed for the Lord to give me the right words during my interview which was a couple weeks later. I thought that both my application and interview process had gone quite smoothly compared to the previous year, and I began praying and asking my friends to pray for me during the waiting period. I was supposed to find out on the 15th of April whether or not I made it on the team.
While waiting for the final email, I kept asking God if this was what he wanted for me. I was positive that this was what He had planned for me. Everything I had prayed for about this trip seemed to be happening. My anxiety was lessening and my physical pain had even become just a little bit better than before. I thought that this was Him preparing me emotionally and physically for the trip in early June.
As the days got closer, I checked my email hourly, hoping that Mariners HSM would send out the email early. That my phone would get a notification or that I would check my inbox to find a "Congratulations, you've been accepted..." email. On Thursday April 12th, I opened my inbox to find an email. I squealed. Out loud. Like- a really excited, giddy, girly squeal. (Impressive, I know...) I closed my eyes and opened the email. As my eyes fluttered open, my heart pounded.
THIS moment was it. I was finally going to get accepted. All of the prayers and hard work were finally going to pay off.
I blinked a couple of times and read the email. Then I read it again.
There was absolutely no possible way...
... that I didn't get accepted.
I read the email over and over.
"Thank you so much for going through the application and interview process for the 2018 Haiti Faith Adventure. We had more applications this year than ever before and we are sorry to inform you that you will not be a part of this year’s faith adventure."
My eyes began to water as my heart pounded even faster than before. I couldn't believe that I didn't make it. My heart sunk. I had worked so hard and put so much effort into something that never happened. I had prayed so hard and the community around me had prayed so hard too and I still didn't make it. Was that fair? That even though I felt God calling me, it wasn't recognizable enough to be allowed on the team? It hurt. Heck, it still hurts. (It was just a couple of days ago for crying out loud.)
I spent that night crying my eyes out, barely touching my food, and hardly focusing enough to write a sentence for my English assignment due the next day. I emailed my teachers that night asking for extensions. I felt miserable, but I didn't want to talk about it. I fell asleep feeling pretty trashy, and woke up the next morning not wanting to get up. I didn't want to go to school, I didn't want to go to rehearsal, I didn't even want to go to a cast party that night. Nevertheless, I sluggishly pried myself from my sheets and covers and groggily walked to the shower. By the time I had gotten to school, I was able to apply this mask that I was feeling just as peachy-keen as the day before. It was so cool; no one knew I was feeling so awful and no one asked me about it. I kept everything more concealed than Shape Tape concealer or Elsa's childhood. (Sorry for the makeup and Frozen references, I'm a teenage girl, cut me some slack.)
That night, I attended the double cast party (almost unwillingly) and chatted it up with some girls (Hannah! and Alyssa!) in my cast. We were talking about friendship and boy drama until one of the TA/Aids (Scott!) came outside and asked if we were okay. All of the sudden I cracked.
"No, you know what? I'm not okay."
We talked for a bit about what was going on, how devastated I was because I wasn't accepted to be apart of the Haiti trip team. How disappointing it was reading that email and watching all of the hard work I had done just be swept away.
Scott asked me a simple question. "What is one thing you know about God?"
My answer was simple. He loves us, He cares about us, He made us, He wants us to trust him, etc.
Scott replied that all of that was true, but that wasn't exactly the answer he was looking for. He asked me the question again. I couldn't think of anything. Shortly thereafter, he shared with me the answer that he was looking for.
"He doesn't say no. He says not yet."
And then, the Holy Spirit took over. Scott began talking about how there is clearly much more in store for me and that this no right now, isn't the end for me. It means that He has better plans, bigger plans for me during that time. Maybe, He wants me to be a kingdom worker here and in the community around me. Maybe He doesn't need me flying to a country to spread his light, but He needs me here. Honestly, it was all so much and so good that I just sat there trying to retain as much as I could because I didn't want to miss anything. I mean, I'm not too sure where God wants me right now and what He wants me to do, but I think that if I continue to follow, the Lord will lead me somewhere and it will be much greater than I could have ever imagined.
And this is now where I can pickup with my question; the title of this post, what's next? I'm not too sure where he wants me right now, but I know that my journey isn't even close to being over right now.
Much Love,
Delaney Miller