I was listening to a message about a week ago by my HSM pastor Alex Beaverson and he said "The one thing that Californian's never have is ___________ ."
That blank right there^ is enough. The one thing we never have is enough. I think that this phrase reaches further than just California.
I can say personally that the one thing that I never have is enough. When I say this, I don't mean it from a materialistic standpoint, although that lense is capable of being applied here. I've said before that I often don't feel like I'm good enough, but today I'm going to share about what that's looked like for me recently.
The other week I dreamt for two nights that I had gone back to OCSA to visit my old school. In both dreams, I saw my friend Paige, sometimes my friends Alex and Jordan, and two of my favorite teachers. Each dream went the same way;
I came back to school (and because this was in a dream it obviously looked a little different than real life), and everyone (whether I remembered them or not,) kept telling me how talented I was and how much they'd missed me. Next, I'd say hello to my friends that'd made it to wherever I was and then they'd take me to say hi to my favorite teachers. In each dream I was only able to see one teacher because I woke up right as I made it to the classroom of the next.
The first night I'd had the dream, it shook up my emotions the day after making me think about my old school a lot more than I normally would. The second day I woke up thinking to myself whether it was a gold or a blue day (which block I started with), and then all of the sudden there was that moment when reality hit me. I started crying because I realized I had to get ready for first period AP European History rather than Block One Literature and Composition Honors or Block Four Integrated Math.
I had a vocal lesson at my new school the day of the second dream, and per usual, my voice teacher asked me how I've been doing, and all of the sudden I had started talking about these dreams, which lead to my initial statement, "I want my old life back."
As dramatic as that sounds, I wouldn't trade THHS for the world, but I have had bunches of trouble dealing with the change of transferring schools my sophomore year and leaving my known world behind. I keep tricking myself into thinking that I'd be better off somewhere else because if I came from a school that only selected the bests, and I left for a public school and I'm not the best, then who am I?
False.
(I know that isn't a true or false question, but I feel like Dwight Schrute when I say that and any time I can reference The Office is a good time.)
It's a work in progress, but I need to recognize that I am good enough. God made me just the way I am and whether I'm putting in 100% and I'm doing my best, or it's a day where I refuse to get out of bed, I'm good enough. I don't have to do anything to get God's approval, and no one else's should matter that much to me, but I'm working getting my own approval. I struggle with not feeling like enough a lot, and I felt the need to share it here. Even though I can put up this awesome front (writing a blog, keeping up with my Instagram, posting some OOTDs and solid makeup looks) everything's not always the best. I struggle with something. I'm human.
Although it's something that I'm working on coping with, I'm posting this just to share with you that you are enough. Living in a materialistic society, our culture often makes us feel like we don't have enough or we aren't enough. I'm going to tell you otherwise. You are enough. You are more than enough. I can't really say much more than that.
So I guess I'll see ya next time, signing off!
Much Love,
Delaney Miller