My goodness, we have some catching up to do.
It's been a while since y'all have seen a good post from me on here.
Here’s a quick psychoanalysis:
Writing fills me with peace- a metaphorical deep breath. It’s a healthy way for me to get everything I’m thinking out of my brain and formulated into something I’m proud of. Recently, writing for my blog has not given me this. In all honesty, anytime I think about my blog, I can’t even catch my breath, I get so overwhelmed. I think this is for a multitude of reasons including, but not limited to; I’ve been so busy with school and with work, I want the posts I write to be QUALITY posts- not just something random or impulsive, & I get so nervous sharing things about myself. However, I wanted to write one post today & pray that it gets easier. My goal is that it becomes easier for me to share more and more, because I’m really working on being more honest about who I am, with both myself & others. Does that make sense? I just wanna feel free to be who I am and if I can’t be myself here on my blog, (the safe space I created for myself almost five years ago???,) then what the heck am I doing?
So I wanted to catch you up to speed because not only did I stop blogging, but I stopped journaling, and everything last fall. I didn’t fall off the deep end or anything, but I just was getting so anxious and so stressed about every little thing, I couldn’t bring myself to write something I was proud of. Originally, I’d planned to drop a series on mental health in the church a few months ago and I had multiple posts written, but while I was working on my last few edits, I just couldn’t go through with posting what I had written. It got too scary and I felt like a hypocrite writing about things I was struggling with, as if I had a solution to them, when I clearly did not.
Last week I met up with a mentor of mine who challenged me to be more authentic with myself while I search for who I am and who I want to be. (Crazy, I know.) & as an 18 year old, going to college in the middle of a pandemic, with no car and no money, I have very minimal life experience, so I didn’t and still don’t even know where to begin with that whole journey of self-discovery. But while I’ve been wrestling with this concept for almost two weeks now, I figured this would be the best place to start. Kinda back where it all began. Plus, I’ve been wanting to give my blog a face lift for quite some time, so this was a good excuse to make this all happen. & I’m very happy with that.
So before you go and check out my blog (all re-done & fancyyyy,) I decided I’d be a little honest and share a few things. (Not everything, because a) I’m not ready yet, & b) I will never put everyyyythinggg on the internet, buttttttt) I think it’s important for me to get real with you.
2020 was a wild year for everyone. Between the political unrest and the global pandemic, our country’s experiencing an insane moment in history. & while it’s awesome to know I’m apart of something larger than myself, it’s still horrifying. & then when I look at this past year for myself personally, I’m still horrified. In 2020 I experienced the two worst breakups I have ever gone through with people who ended up treating me like I was less than what I’m worth. (& the worst part is, I truly believed that’s what love was.) Next, I went through the most excruciating friendship breakup of my life because she ended up bullying me and trying to sue my high school?! (Not your typical high school experience, I can promise you that!) Of course, all my tours and competitions and shows got cancelled due to the pandemic. What else? I started working at my local Wendy’s and got let go due to COVID-19 about 7 months later. I dyed my hair and cut it and styled it a million different ways, a million different times. I baked feverishly, I stopped dancing, I lost my splits, I lost all motivation, I’ve dealt with some pretty awful family emergencies, and more. It’s been a whirlwind, and not in a good way. But when I think about how crazy and how awful this year’s been, I’ve also been so blessed by staying here in California an extra year. I mean, I’ll be moving to New York in August, I’ve made some pretty incredible friends, I’ve gotten to take a lot of time to self-reflect, I’ve done a handful of self-tapes, I’ve sung at a few churches, I haven’t gotten sick (praise God/knock on wood!), I’ve tried whipped coffee, I lead a college Rooted group right now, I’ve been leading an 8th grade girls small group, I’ve cuddled more with my dogs, etc. I’ve got things to be thankful for. So amen, ya know?
But those are all the more monumental life-change things. When I reflect on myself, this year’s been life-changing for my self-confidence. As somebody’s whose first instinct is to apologize, I’ve gotten so much better at having grace with myself. I’m learning the difference between forgiveness & reconciliation. I’m focusing on setting healthy boundaries and advocating for myself. I’ve gotten better at healthy listening, to both myself and to my friends. I hype myself up in the mirror consistently. I have dance parties with myself. I’m learning and I’m growing and I’m learning how to be okay growing. It’s crazy. I’m more aware of my anxiety & depression & my ADHD and I’m actively working on my impulse control and healthy coping mechanisms too! It’s transformative really.
Now I’m kinda figuring out who I want to be, who I am, and who God’s called me to be, & how that can be molded into one person- if that makes any sense. It’s exhausting. But that’s where I’m at right now. & That’s okay.
I’ll share some more another day, and hopefully I come back soon. I’m really trying my best to balance the pressures of social media with who I wanna be & how I choose to express that.
Much Love,
Delaney Marie
P.S. I'm having issues with my photos on here right now? Like, my blog has removed half of my photos? & I'm not sure why. So I'm figuring that one out friends. It's gonna be okay soon, I'll fix it when I find the time.
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